This week proved to be challenging. By sharing my dream in my previous post, I unconsciously subsequently revivified old experiences and sentiments. The more I re-read the dream and its comments, the more I think about Maui. I experienced something in Maui that I had almost entirely forgotten about principally because at the time I kept trying to shake it off. I still struggle now to write about it mostly because of how intimate and private the whole incident was. I thought about it a great deal and the fact that I was not with my baby this week only left me with even more free time on my hands to brood over it further.
I was in Wailea on business. I was a bit jetlagged. As usual, I was having difficulty staying asleep. I couldn’t resist opening all the hotel room glass doors earlier that night right before I went to bed. There was a cool gentle breeze coming off the Pacific Ocean and I wanted it in the room with me. It took me awhile to fall asleep even though I was exhausted from the nine hour trip. I hadn’t slept a wink either on the plane. Truth be told, I am a poor traveler while in mid air. I love to travel but hate to fly unless I am comfortably inebriated. I hadn’t said much throughout the flight or so I was told by my co-worker. He mentioned that I seemed more pensive than usual. I lied and said I was worried about the bid that we were going to present.
While laying in bed, I remembered what I had thought about on the plane. The thought of him always made me uneasy. The thought of him came with everything that his memory stood for and all those feelings briefly sat in my hallowed stomach and heavy heart. I tossed and turned. Then I stopped for a second almost as if to quiet my mind long enough to clearly hear and assimilate my thought. I remember him telling me once that he had lived in Maui for a year. What did it matter now? That was years ago and I wasn’t sure why I was thinking about it. My tossing, turning and falling in and out of sleep was becoming tiresome and I fraught with irritation. I turned face up, kicked the sheets off and looked straight up at the ceiling in a defiant “enough is enough” stance. I was battling my own mind.
I shut my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. I could hear the waves crashing against the beach below overlapping the sound of my deep inhalation. The waves were unhurried and methodical. They seemed almost timed and rhythmic. Suddenly, my mind was calm. I understood then that I should get up. Rather than stay in bed and continue thinking of nonsense, I got up. It was approximately a quarter to five in the morning. The soft breeze blowing into the room was slightly moving the long white curtains. I walked onto one of the balconies; the one in the bedroom. I looked below and the world seemed so restful. I took a few pictures with my cell phone. I wanted to make sure I captured the moment.
Why was my mind so busy when clearly the world around me was at peace? Looking over the hotel grounds and while admiring the ocean I had an epiphany; one that I had had before and had forcibly reminded myself before. “Forgive yourself. Don’t let the guilt or regret creep up on you. Let it go.”
And so, I did some yoga on the living room balcony. Then, I took a quick shower afterwards. Finally, I sat down at the desk and got some work done before my first meeting; all while enjoying a marvelous cup of English Breakfast tea. Life was quickly back to being as it should and I was happy.